Yay! Last part! (After this y’all get to wait a couple of months before my next post again, probably :P)
Here’s something else I’ve been struggling with. I have a very active, very powerful imagination. I can make myself cry for two hours over something that hasn’t even happened. I can also send myself into fits of giggles over something equally fictional. I firmly believe that this is a blessing from God, but it also presents some challenges. All of the things listed above can be, and sometimes are, exacerbated by my imagination (I also struggle with pride, which I won’t go into but is also affected by this). I imagine a boyfriend to hug me, I imagine people awkwardly talking to me out of pity, I imagine stuff I really shouldn’t be imagining. It all gets thrown into the pot. And all of this? I can make this about my future too. I never get a boyfriend…I feel lonely my whole life…etc. etc. (This, by the way, speaks to my pride as well). This separates me from God. I won’t go on, because as I write this I’m getting as tired of myself as you all probably are. But guess what? I need to surrender this to God. I need to give my gift to Him for His uses and His purposes.
Almost done! This struggle is purely between me, myself, and I. All of these are, to an extent, but this one is extra personal. I have a God-given gift to spot problems, and then to problem-solve. Sounds good, right? Except…that means that I very easily spot all of MY problems (hello – this is the third post about a number of my problems). And unfortunately, heart problems (which all of these have been) aren’t good for problem-solving. I can’t find a way around them, I just have to deal with them. And this can become very negative when directed towards myself. I see the problem, and I recognize that it’s a problem, but I can’t just magically fix it. And then, every time I act on a problem, I get frustrated with myself and experience shame. Now, don’t get me wrong. Shame is a tool, and it’s used to draw attention to problems that exist. It’s one of the ways the Holy Spirit communicates. However, like any tool, it can also be turned away from it’s original purpose. Satan would like nothing more than to see us wallowing in our shame, and unfortunately I oblige him far too often. Think about this for a moment though – when we talk about sin and various struggles, how often do we hear the mantra that God has already won the war? I don’t know about you, but most of the time I ignore it. I’ve heard it far too often. But, if you’ll follow this line of thought with me for a moment – if God has already won the war, what does that mean? What does winning a war here on Earth mean? I can’t help but be reminded of David, returning from the battlefield. What did the people do? They cheered for him! This made Saul jealous, but why was he jealous? What did he really want, and what was he really feeling? Saul felt shame, and he wanted the pride that David had. He wanted to be able to lift his head and smile. He wanted to be the victor! Now, he could have done that. He was not not a victor. He’d won too! His shame is a whole ‘nother issue. But, you ask, how does this contribute to your point? God made us to hold our heads high with pride as his sons and daughters, and as coheirs with Christ. Think about that for a moment. Shame is used to warn us when we depart from the behavior we should have and do something that, ultimately, is dangerous. But we were made to hold our heads high with pride! So, then, this results is something else I struggle with, and yet another thing that I need to turn over to God.
Now. Finally, we’re done. I have one last thought I want to leave you with, however. I’ve been talking and talking about surrendering all these things to God, but there’s something important to remember. Surrendering all of these to God is not a one-time deal. I don’t get to say, “Oh, I surrendered my lust to God! Guess I never have to deal with that again!” (Believe me, if I could do that I would have a long time ago). This is a continual process. I mentioned at the beginning of part 1 that I met with my Life Group today (all 3 parts were written on Nov. 9, they’re just getting published at different times because of the length). One member of my Life Group mentioned something she’d been told recently: “The more you stand for what you believe, the less you’ll feel like you’re falling” (that may or may not be verbatim, I’ve been writing for about 2 hours now). This reminds me of something we all know: the more you practice something the better you get at it. This works for sports, or learning a language, or learning a skill, or other exercise. The more you do it the easier it gets. It works the same way for this too. The more I surrender to God, the easier it’ll get. The challenge is in making myself surrender and not giving myself a break. If I surrender once, and then don’t surrender the next time because I DID surrender last time, that’s probably not going to work. I have to surrender…and surrender…and surrender again. I’ll have to keep surrendering throughout my life. Thankfully, God is willing to help me with that. And before I go, here’s another couple verses that are taped up around my room:
“So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.” Hebrews 12:12-13
“God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” Psalm 46:5
“…for if you live according to the flesh, you are going to die. But if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:13
“And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope.” Romans 5:3-4