Woohoo! Part 2 is out! (So exciting, right? Now you get to hear more about my problems!)
The next one in one you’ll know about if you’ve read any previous posts. I struggle with masturbation. Now, several things have been happening here. Number one, I’ve been growing better at fighting this (yay!). Quite a bit of this has been because of God. I get some pretty annoying cramps for multiple days after performing the act, and I’m pretty sure it gives me less pleasure than it used to. Which is good – I do it less – but that leaves me with another problem. Because masturbation is a physical problem, but cramps and less pleasure don’t fix the heart problem behind it.
Let me share with you something that happened just today (November 9, I wrote this all in one sitting but am publishing it in pieces because it was super long). I was trying to write a post (which was taking a COMPLETELY different path that this one) and I started talking about my masturbation. Unfortunately, this left me with some sinful desires. I have a certain type of material that I like to read when I have these, and I struggled for a few minutes not to look them up. Thanks to some bible verses written on notecards I’ve taped all over my half of the dorm room, I reluctantly (and frustratedly) sighed at God (which reveals a completely different heart problem, by the way) and gave in. I still needed a distraction, though, so I went to a site that has quite a few comic-like stories on it. Except for one thing – this site has a mobile app that I used to have but deleted. Why did I delete it? Because it had certain stories that were giving me issues with this particular sin. I’m sure you can see the problem here. Anyways, I’m scrolling through selecting safe stories to read and successfully (barely) avoiding the unsafe ones. Until, wham! I see the picture for a story I know from when I had the app. A story that I know has gorgeous illustrations, very good grammar (although not quite perfect), and an amazing energy (think of stories that completely suck you in to the world; that kind of energy). It’s also hilarious! And sinful. So what’d I do, having just “successfully” resisted my urges? I opened up the story, of course! For your information, I did not masturbate. I did enjoy the story. And that reveals my “new” problem: lust. Masturbation was the action attached to the heart problem. And I am having issues with the heart problem.
Why, you ask? Why are these becoming separated, and why is the heart problem becoming more problematic? It’s simple. I don’t like saying it, but I don’t hate my sin like God does. Lust is my guilty pleasure, only instead of a relatively harmless piece of chocolate I like gorging on a sin. Let me repeat this another way: I like gorging on something God abhors. Doesn’t that make you want to cringe? God – the perfect creator of the universe and my loving heavenly Father – absolutely despises sin. He can’t stand to be in the presence of it, and I like gorging on it!? It hurts. I’m trying to be more like God, but I enjoy something He hates. I don’t want to stop! When it came today, I didn’t want to resist! Guess what? I need to turn it over to God. I need to repent – not just say sorry, but truly repent – and ask God to take over my heart and change my desires. I need to surrender this sin to Him, and then I need to turn and run away from it. And not just run away from it, but also run towards Him.
I’ll end this part of the post here, but let me share some more verses I have taped up in my room (they relate to this struggle).
“Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?” Hebrews 12:3-5
“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” Galations 2:20