Okay y’all. I’m just gonna jump right in ’cause I need to get some stuff off my chest.
Also this is becoming a really long post so I’m going to split this into sections.
I met up with my Life Group today. That’s what my bible study small group is called. We talked about the book of Ruth, specifically chapter 2 verses 15-23, and at some point my Life Group leader asked us: How do we feel called to take the heart knowledge we’d been talking about and apply it – make it become hand knowledge, so to speak. I thought about it, but there have been so many things I’ve been struggling with! As I thought about all of these things, however, I boiled it down to one overall theme.
I need to surrender everything.
Let me explain, and I’m going to go through these things I’ve been struggling with one by one to do so.
First, I’ve been wrestling with my desire to have a boyfriend. I haven’t “dated” since 5th grade (if you could call that dating), I’ve never been asked on a date, and the last time I was asked out was in 8th grade – by the same guy who’d been asking me out since 6th and told me once when I turned him down that he had multiple girlfriends. So not the greatest track record! And recently, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this (and my imagination isn’t helping – I’ll get into that later). I’ve doubted my desirability (hello, self-pity) and worried about whether or I’ll ever get a boyfriend and, eventually, get married. Logically, I know that I’d be a horrible girlfriend right now (see this entire list of doubts, insecurities, and immaturities), but that hasn’t helped and sometimes makes it all worse. Can I share with you? There was a moment two years ago where I felt like God had showed me a feeling, if you will, of his plan for a guy in my life sometime in the future and how great it would be. Me, with my tendency to doubt myself and my logical thinking and etc. etc. now wonders if I wasn’t imagining it (did I mention I have a very strong imagination?). I don’t know. Here’s what I do know; this dream may (or may not) have come from God. But right now, it’s turned into something completely different. Right now, I don’t want a significant other because it’s in God’s plan. Right now, I want a significant other because the world tells me I should have one. Because I’ve just entered college and I know of several couples who are engaged, and a few of those are getting married this spring/summer. Because everywhere I turn I see couples on Facebook and on the street and literally everywhere. So, I’ve become stuck worrying if I’m “doomed” to spend my life without a significant other. You know what? Even if God did plan for me to never have a significant other, or for me to never get married, that would still be okay. In fact, it would be better than okay! It would be perfect, because God is perfect and his plans are perfect. And if that’s his will for me, then I should be rejoicing! Because his plans always turn out 100x better than I could ever imagine, and 1000x better than my plans would have turned out. So. I understand this, but how do I apply it? It boils down to this: I need to surrender this dream to God. I need to not only be able to say, but actually say “Lord, it’s okay if this doesn’t happen. I trust you. If singleness is what you have planned, then that plan is so perfect and so much better than whatever I could imagine, dream about, or wish for that I should be rejoicing and eager to be single because that’s your plan.” I need to completely, 100% surrender this desire that’s been taking my attention from the Lord and his Will and I need to turn it over and let it go.
Next. Just a bit of backstory: I’ve always been the shy awkward girl who’s left out. Much of that is my own fault for pushing people away. I’ve gotten better some, but I still struggle with it a lot. It’s super difficult for me to talk with my peers. My brain kicks into overdrive and begins to hyperanalyze EVERYTHING. What’s this person’s tone saying? What is their body language? What is their facial expression? What does this sentence structure imply? What is MY facial expression doing? What about my tone of voice and my body language? What about my sentence structure? What about my content? Am I being too loud? Am I talking too much? Am I interrupting? Are my pauses too short? Are they too long? Am I sharing too little or too much? What is their response to this? Pay attention to every word, every glance, every gesture. What’s it say? What’s it say? What’s it say? Then – no surprise – I have a hard time processing. I make mistakes, and even the small ones will nag at my overactive brain for far too long. Oh no! That pause was a hair too long! That’s so awkward! or Shoot! I froze for a split second! What was that look on my face? Crud, I missed my chance to laugh it off and make fun of it! Can I apologize? No, I’ve already apologized three times in the last five minutes! You get the idea. This used to define me. This was the majority of who I was. A couple of months ago, thankfully, that was removed from me. I can’t describe it well, but one second that was my identity and the next my identity was in the Lord (I know it had been before, but I had created another identity for myself over the years without realizing it. Or at least I had allowed myself to be defined by that). It was very peaceful and surprisingly matter-of-fact. However, that didn’t permanently destroy these thoughts. It quieted them for a couple blessed weeks, and now they’re back. That does NOT mean that they are my identity again – they’re not. They don’t dictate my every move like they used to. However, they are hard to control and they are often small feelings in my subconscious. It takes Truth for me to combat them, and for the past few days I have struggled with them far more than I should be. So guess what?? I need to surrender them to the Lord. Scripture says to bring our doubts and worries to the altar, and while that’s cliché that is exactly what I need to do. I need to fully surrender these to God, letting Him and his Truth come and take their place in my heart. And no, this isn’t a one-time occurrence. I’ll explain more about that later.
I’m going to stop here for today. I’m sure some of this sounded like whining, and I apologize for that. I’m probably going to split this whole thing into three portions, and the next two will NOT be coming out months from now, I promise. I’ll try to post them within the next week or two.
As I finish, I want to share a couple of the bible verses posted on note cards all over my half of the dorm room. Also, please remember: you guys aren’t alone. Whatever you’re going through. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you have to choose to believe what you know – that God is with you and that He loves you dearly. He’s not yelling at you for your shortcomings. He’s not frowning at you. He’s walking beside you, ready to help. He’s arranging things for your good that you will never even realize was Him until you join him in heaven. He is cradling you, and his heart hurts for you more than you will ever know. His love isn’t the only thing unfathomable; his compassion is too.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, …looking to Jesus, …who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12: 1-2
“For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse.” Romans 1:20